just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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