Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
