I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Randomize
