I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Randomize
