I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
