I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Randomize
