Swine flu. Run for my life!
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
