first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I could fuck to npr.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Randomize
