You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Randomize
