this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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