so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
