He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
