I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
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