Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Randomize
