Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
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