Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Randomize
