Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
