Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
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