i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
