Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
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