Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
