My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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