Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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