'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
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