"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
ugly people sure do ruin things
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
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