she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
