i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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