I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
