I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
