Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
