Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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