They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Randomize
