I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
