I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
handjob tips. give me some.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
