why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
