i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
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