I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
