So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
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