Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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