I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
