I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
whose ass print is on the piano?
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
