I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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