operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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