I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
