So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
