your room smells of hookers.
And success
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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