I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
