I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
