honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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