My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
