I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
