you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
