I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I fill condoms, not promises.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
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