I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
