things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
