A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
