so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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