yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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