we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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