She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
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