i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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