i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
